Kelly and I thought it would be a good idea to give reviews of the movies we see together.  The first movie we ever saw together was Shutter Island, a movie Kelly insistedI take her to.  She will deny this and in fact, will tell you that i chose this movie, but that’s not the way i remember it.   Anyhow, the following is our review of the movie.  My review is fist, followed by hers.  Enjoy, remember these reviews will contain spoiler alerts, but should be marked as such before presented.

Steve’s Review: 

 This movie sucks balls.  The only thing that would make watching this movie worse would be watching by yourself.  I’d recommend this movie to those I despise and want to harm without physically touching them.  What makes this movie so undesirable is that about 25 minutes in even the drooling special kid with the helmet knew that Leonardo DiCaprio was a patient on the funny farm.  **THE PREVIOUS SENTANCE WAS A SPOILER**

 I would lay down any amount of money that two armless guys with dull pencils and no erasers could write a better script using only black paper in room void of light in under two hours.  What freakin crackhead green lighted this horrid adaptation of a *snicker snicker* best selling novel by  Dennis Lehane?  That’s right, Dennis FLIPPIN Lehane!  Okay, so you’ve never heard of him either.   Well legendary director Martin Scorsese did an excellent job of most likely not reading the book and instead just filmed Leo and some other fucktards bumbling around an island, drooling like mad cows.   No hot chicks, no boobs, no real violence, a horrid Boston accent and an Asylum that looked so real you wonder how many 3rd graders it took to construct it, all adds up to a rating of NEGATVIE ONE BILLION on a scale of 1-10. 

Kelly’s Review:

It’s bad.  Really.

This section will focus on inanimate object avatars and other non human avatars.  Enjoy.

Audrey

This avatar is perplexing.  What kind of playing style does a plant represent?  Who would choose a plant?  Are they agressive? Donkish?  Who the fuck knows.  I do not know anyone, other than maybe fans of   Little Shop of Horros, who likes plants enough.  IMO, worthless and no way any serious mother fucker chooses this dirty plant.

Fish Face

AGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WTF is this thing?  Swamp things lil’ squirt?  Oh lord.  Only a true donk would choose this fugly thing.  Looks like what you wake up to after a night of shrooms, beer and poorly priced hookers.

Count Donkula

This player is either one of those goth vampire tards or a european.  Either way, they will suck out on you just as the fictional character they identify themselves with.  Can be easily tilted by suggesting in chat that the vampires of the Twilight saga are the more actual depiction of what a true “vampire” is.  Or, if that fails, start bashing True Blood, the HBO series all “vamp” fans just love!

Frankenberry

Good ole Frankenberry.  The dumbest of all “monsters” and in most cases, the player behind this avatar is just as dumb.  There is nothing menacing about this avatar, in fact, just the opposite.  This avatar represents newness to the game and is probably used by some 8 year old kid donkin his way to the money by stacking your ass with 93o.  Be careful, but always bet the nuts, don’t slow play, you’ll get paid off.

MuthaFuckin Mummy

Another in FTP’s series of horrible halloween avatars.  I don’t know what to say about this ugly piece of shit, but it’s not intimidating, it’s not scary, it’s just an ugly green piece of toilet paper wrapped shit.

FU Man Chin Choo

Just another in the series of horrible FTP avatars, i actually  think this is the guy that sells Gremlins to stupid fucking americans.  If that’s the case, then the player behind Fu Man Chin Choo may also be a crafty asian waiting to trap you.

Methany The Meth Mouthed Monster

Again, no reason this avatar should even be an option.  This avatar should serve as a reminder of what happens when you combine Meth, trailer parks and skank hoes.   This is a common “disconnect” avatar as the player is usually on AOL Dial-up from his trailer while his meth-mouthed “girlfriend” is mixing 3parts battery acid, 1 part drain-o and 2 parts kerosene without blowing up there “mobile” home, thus achieving a permanent “disconnect” from this world.

ATM

I don’t know if FTP allows plaers to select this avatar or if it’s automatically assigned once you made a number of deposits.  This player is either a literal money machine or been called one so much he just decided to represent.  On the other hand, the ATM could represent the player is always cashing  out your money.  Be wary of this bucket of bolts.

Bubba "The Butt" Pirate

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr matey!  It’s Johnny Depp, i mean, Bubba the Butt Pirate!  Shiver me fucking timbers this avatar screams gayness.  Well that or players that have fantasies of months alone on a boat with guys that have not showered or brushed their remaining tooth since, well, probably ever.   Pirates were just rapist on boats and today’s pirates, with their autmatic machine guns, would destroy the peg legged, parrot pedophiles of the early centuaries.  That being said, the players using this avatar are probably watching Goonies or fapin’ to Fabio to even worry about.

Lucy McLuckFuck

This avatar is represent by 3 different player types:  First, the player that hails from Boston, i.e,  @cpropker Secondly, a player under 5″2″, i.e, @pokernations.  Finally, a player that can be known to 3bet with J3o, be called and hit miracle J33 flops against players holding KK or better, i.e, @widmayer.   So these avatars should be approached with caution, because what it boils down to is these guys have slept with so many Irish dudes that they reek of the  “luck of the irish”.  Keepin in mind, most players hail from Boston, they can be tilted in any season.  If baseball season, talk up the Yankees and mention Buckner’s Blunder.  Football season, talk about Ballerina Brady and how since he tried to go straight with that model, his football game has suffered.  Or during basketball season, throw out the Laker and Kobe.  Or just mention that Larry Bird was just an AVERAGE player and would have never even started had he been black.  The great white hope was just another white boy in a black man’s game.

]]> http://www.street3.me/2010/03/more-ftp-avatar-analysis/feed/ 2 http://www.street3.me/2010/01/the-real-world-d-c-cast-of-characters/ http://www.street3.me/2010/01/the-real-world-d-c-cast-of-characters/#comments Sat, 02 Jan 2010 08:31:03 +0000 street3 http://www.street3.me/?p=83 Another season of the Real World is upon us and we all know what that means:  It’s time for a bunch of fucking confused 20 somethings to live in a house, fuck each other, lie to each other, cry, bitch, moan, get into fights, bitch about working or not working, etc….I’ve watched all of 15 minutes of the first show and have listed the cast below and a brief bio for your information.

  -  Andrew:  A fucking 20 something virgin who is not funny, not witty and completly fucking retarded.

 - Ashely:  Ms “Fucking Knows Everything”, also a whore.

- Callie:  The small  town girl that probably fucked everyone in her small town, twice.

 - Emily:  Oh lord, this bitch is “religious” and “lives and breathes” the bible….well, i guess living and breathing the bible means fucking every guy AND girl she comes in contact with. 

 - Eric:  Relegious, confused man fucker.  Plays pitcher and catcher on the ball team. 

 - Erika:  *shudders*  She only fucks guys with tattoos and piercings, which is about 95% of the male population.  Also a “musician”, if you haven’t downloaded any of her songs on Itunes, don’t worry, she hasn’t recorded any.  Note to Erika, just because you “like” music, it doesn’t make you a “musician”.  Dumb cunt.  She is also a whore.

 - Ty:  Or Token.  ‘Nuff said.

 - Josh:  This guy is also a “musician”.  He is the female Erika.  He also has never recorded any music.  He has tattoos! His I.Q. may be negative.