Street3

 

Kelly and I thought it would be a good idea to give reviews of the movies we see together.  The first movie we ever saw together was Shutter Island, a movie Kelly insistedI take her to.  She will deny this and in fact, will tell you that i chose this movie, but that’s not the way i remember it.   Anyhow, the following is our review of the movie.  My review is fist, followed by hers.  Enjoy, remember these reviews will contain spoiler alerts, but should be marked as such before presented.

Steve’s Review: 

 This movie sucks balls.  The only thing that would make watching this movie worse would be watching by yourself.  I’d recommend this movie to those I despise and want to harm without physically touching them.  What makes this movie so undesirable is that about 25 minutes in even the drooling special kid with the helmet knew that Leonardo DiCaprio was a patient on the funny farm.  **THE PREVIOUS SENTANCE WAS A SPOILER**

 I would lay down any amount of money that two armless guys with dull pencils and no erasers could write a better script using only black paper in room void of light in under two hours.  What freakin crackhead green lighted this horrid adaptation of a *snicker snicker* best selling novel by  Dennis Lehane?  That’s right, Dennis FLIPPIN Lehane!  Okay, so you’ve never heard of him either.   Well legendary director Martin Scorsese did an excellent job of most likely not reading the book and instead just filmed Leo and some other fucktards bumbling around an island, drooling like mad cows.   No hot chicks, no boobs, no real violence, a horrid Boston accent and an Asylum that looked so real you wonder how many 3rd graders it took to construct it, all adds up to a rating of NEGATVIE ONE BILLION on a scale of 1-10. 

Kelly’s Review:

It’s bad.  Really.

This is the 2nd installment of my FTP Avatar Analysis.  If you missed the 1st installment, you can read it here:   http://www.street3.me/2010/03/what-your-ftp-avatar-says-about-you/

This section will focus on inanimate object avatars and other non human avatars.  Enjoy.

This avatar is perplexing.  What kind of playing style does a plant represent?  Who would choose a plant?  Are they agressive? Donkish?  Who the fuck knows.  I do not know anyone, other than maybe fans of   Little Shop of Horros, who likes plants enough.  IMO, worthless and no way any serious mother fucker chooses this dirty plant.

AGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WTF is this thing?  Swamp things lil’ squirt?  Oh lord.  Only a true donk would choose this fugly thing.  Looks like what you wake up to after a night of shrooms, beer and poorly priced hookers.

This player is either one of those goth vampire tards or a european.  Either way, they will suck out on you just as the fictional character they identify themselves with.  Can be easily tilted by suggesting in chat that the vampires of the Twilight saga are the more actual depiction of what a true “vampire” is.  Or, if that fails, start bashing True Blood, the HBO series all “vamp” fans just love!

Good ole Frankenberry.  The dumbest of all “monsters” and in most cases, the player behind this avatar is just as dumb.  There is nothing menacing about this avatar, in fact, just the opposite.  This avatar represents newness to the game and is probably used by some 8 year old kid donkin his way to the money by stacking your ass with 93o.  Be careful, but always bet the nuts, don’t slow play, you’ll get paid off.

Another in FTP’s series of horrible halloween avatars.  I don’t know what to say about this ugly piece of shit, but it’s not intimidating, it’s not scary, it’s just an ugly green piece of toilet paper wrapped shit.

Just another in the series of horrible FTP avatars, i actually  think this is the guy that sells Gremlins to stupid fucking americans.  If that’s the case, then the player behind Fu Man Chin Choo may also be a crafty asian waiting to trap you.

Again, no reason this avatar should even be an option.  This avatar should serve as a reminder of what happens when you combine Meth, trailer parks and skank hoes.   This is a common “disconnect” avatar as the player is usually on AOL Dial-up from his trailer while his meth-mouthed “girlfriend” is mixing 3parts battery acid, 1 part drain-o and 2 parts kerosene without blowing up there “mobile” home, thus achieving a permanent “disconnect” from this world.

I don’t know if FTP allows plaers to select this avatar or if it’s automatically assigned once you made a number of deposits.  This player is either a literal money machine or been called one so much he just decided to represent.  On the other hand, the ATM could represent the player is always cashing  out your money.  Be wary of this bucket of bolts.

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr matey!  It’s Johnny Depp, i mean, Bubba the Butt Pirate!  Shiver me fucking timbers this avatar screams gayness.  Well that or players that have fantasies of months alone on a boat with guys that have not showered or brushed their remaining tooth since, well, probably ever.   Pirates were just rapist on boats and today’s pirates, with their autmatic machine guns, would destroy the peg legged, parrot pedophiles of the early centuaries.  That being said, the players using this avatar are probably watching Goonies or fapin’ to Fabio to even worry about.

This avatar is represent by 3 different player types:  First, the player that hails from Boston, i.e,  @cpropker Secondly, a player under 5″2″, i.e, @pokernations.  Finally, a player that can be known to 3bet with J3o, be called and hit miracle J33 flops against players holding KK or better, i.e, @widmayer.   So these avatars should be approached with caution, because what it boils down to is these guys have slept with so many Irish dudes that they reek of the  “luck of the irish”.  Keepin in mind, most players hail from Boston, they can be tilted in any season.  If baseball season, talk up the Yankees and mention Buckner’s Blunder.  Football season, talk about Ballerina Brady and how since he tried to go straight with that model, his football game has suffered.  Or during basketball season, throw out the Laker and Kobe.  Or just mention that Larry Bird was just an AVERAGE player and would have never even started had he been black.  The great white hope was just another white boy in a black man’s game.

Poker players that play on Full Tilt poker have the option of choosing which avatar they want to represent them at the table.  They offer a wide selection from male/female characters to animals to objects.   Can the avatar you choose hinder or help your online play? Do other players pre judge your ability based on your avatar? I don’t think most do, although sometimes i get hit on when i choose a female avatar.  Anyway, i thought it would be a good idea to give you what i believe your avatar says about you.  Because FTP has over 70 avatars to choose from, this post will be done in multiple parts.   Look for the avatar you use and see if my analysis is correct

 ANIMAL AVATARS – PART 1

  This avatar represent ruthless agression.  Mostly used by younger males and those with a passion for the hippity-hoppity music, they can be seen at all levels of a tournament.  But, don’t be fooled by the “angry” dog, as this usally represents weakness.

 

 Players choosing this guppy are timid and extremely nitty.  Just as guppies have s short life span, the girly guys that choose this avatar are not likely to hang around till the money.  Get their chips while you can!

 

 Most recognizable as the avatar of FTP Luckbox Pro Tom “Durrr” Dwan.  Players choosing this floating head are most likely Durrr fanboys and will be uber spewey playing shit cards like their idol.  But, unlike their idol they have no pact with the devil, therefore will not hit the miracle 1 outer over 85% of the time.  Call their bets and you’ll be stacking their chips.

 

 A perplexing avatar choice as players of all skill levels have represented themselves with Fluffy.  Fluffy looks so innocent, but can be extremely aggressive.  Always approach pots with caution when facing these little white turds. 

 

The most feared and intimidating creature in the ocean is the shark.  A bad ass predator that preys on the weak and owns his opponents.  Players representing this bad ass mother fucker should be feared and respected.  HAHA Just kidding, while “sharks” are generally well respected and feared opponents, nobody calls themselves that so why would they choose this as their avatar?  Because they “think” they are good, but they are not.  Middle pair, weak kicker is generally good against them.  Let them bet in to you and try to bluff you on the river. But be prepared for a slew insults to come your way from the rail as they cry about your play.

 

Not a very popular choice by players, this avatar screams ADD and lack of focus.  Not likely to make it to the first break, these players can be tilted by using as much of the clock as possible when it’s your turn.  They will grow angry and start filling the chat box with “ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ”  to indicate they are falling asleep waiting on you to act.    

 

 I really don’t know why anyone would want to represent themselves as a fucking frog.  What’s it say about your game? Nothing i can think of.   These players are most likely challenged in some way. 

 

 Another avatar not commonly seen.  Most likely because, like it’s real life counterpart, the cat is worthless, ugly and just plain stupid.  Players reprsenting this avatar are generally French and therefore sloppy and bluff crazy.  

 

ANIMAL AVATARS – PART 2

 

Ah the donkey.  The most hated and loved player in the game.  Players choosing this avatar have been called a donkey so many times, they cant help but represent themselves that way.   When you have the nuts these players will pay you off, when you try to bluff, these players will stack you.  Be especially cautious of the “confused” donkey as this player probably can’t even spell poker.

 

Another avatar rarely seen at the tables.  Nobody likes elephants, they’re big, dumb and that trunk is weird.  So what type of player chooses this? Probably some zoo keeper sitting in a cage full of elephant shit.  I have never seen an elephant at a final table and if you can’t defeat the elephant player, then you should go play on the freeway at night and always head toward the light.

  

The Gecko, commonly seen at the tables.  This avatar has the best expressions and makes me LOL.  The players using this lizard are competent enough to compete and most likely to dumb to fold.  They will make hero/donk calls and stack you.  These players can be tilted by suggesting the Caveman is a better mascot for car insurance.  This angers the gecko and immediately puts them on tilt.

 

Seriously? A fucking rooster? Who in their right mind even associates a rooster with poker? I know one player, GoofyRooster, who uses this avatar and honestly a rooster pecking at the keyboard has a better ROI than him.   If you see a rooster at your table, chances are the player behind the avatar is one chicken-methed-out douchecanoe.  A constant bluffer, can be easily tilted by calling him down and sucking out.   If you can, 3bet with AQ against this player, flop Q high and he’l pay you off with AK.  He can’t fold.

 

Take a close look at this avatar.  Is Timmy the Tard Turtle sitting in a pile of his own green shit? I believe he is, afterall he’s a fucking Tard Turtle.  An easy generalization can be made about the players using this avatar…..they are either Canadian or so old they will diapers and constantly shit themselves.  They min raise, fold to 3bets and can be pushed of quad K’s for fear you have quad A’s even if no Aces are on the board.  Stack their chips, but beware the stench of Tard Turtle shit.

 

 Ah the Asian PedoBear, not too common as most players represent this avatar are from Asia and are playing while you are sleeping.  So if you see this avatar, chances are the guy playing is on a 24 hour bender and most likely hallucinating.  I don’t know the bet approach to playing these obviously insane players, so approach wtih caution.  Can be easily tilted by mentioning “To Catch A Predator” in the chat box and telling them you are, in fact, Chris Hanson.  PedoBears fear this man.

 

 A penguin.  A nemisis of Batman.  The coolest evolutionary duck/goose hybrid ever concieved by the mad scientist Mother Nature.  Players using this avatar are cool, calculated and far to smart to be playing the donk levels most of us play.  That being said, their masterful 4bet and smooth flop calls are far too advanced to work, they will usually chip you up because you’re too dumb to fold top pair.  They’ll make sarcastic remarks like “lol nh” or “meh nice call” to which you’ll respond with “ty” truely believing they are complimenting you.  P.S. Im looking at you Swyyft. 

 

MORE AVATAR ANALYSIS COMING SOON